Nothing can hurt you as much as your family does. They are the very core of your existence, so what happens if you see it shattering in your very eyes? You see yourself trying to pick up every pieces that fell only to get hurt while doing so. And it will continue to hurt as pieces fall, every single time. It won’t stop breaking. It never will. Mine doesn’t.

I try to look happy. I try to make everyone around me think that I’m happy. But right now, I hide myself from people that know me. It’s because I’m tired. I’m tired of everything. I want it all to stop. It’s been hurting me for years. And every year that pass, the hurting never stops. It grows. It grows so big that you cant hide it already. It hurts so much that you can no longer ignore the pain. You try to think that yes this will pass. You just got to keep growing, but it does not. As you grow, the pain grows. You think you can forget about it or get over it but you cant. It doesnt disappear. You just hid it in the deepest part of your heart, trying to move on while in fact you just helped it grow silently. You keep on picking the pieces that became trash.. on and on and in the end, you only got a bigger pile of trash.

I dont need help. I dont need consolation. I need to rest. I’m tired. So tired. So tired of the thing called existing. The struggles that go with it, I’m tired of it all. For so many years, I’ve spreaded nothing but happiness, trying to hide everything with a smile. As the smile grew wide, the pain behind it deepens. In the end, it’s all my fault. It’s my fault for trying to exist. It’s my fault for trying to brave, when in fact, I am not. I was never fit for the survivor category. 

I apologize for causing problems. I apologize for trying to pacify on everything. I thought being in the middle ground felt safer, it turns out that’s the role that will hurt most. You don’t take sides, in return, you hurt yourself by not taking sides.

I love my family. I love my friends. I dont want them to leave. I dont want them to disappear. It is i that wants to leave. It is i that wants to disappear. All this pain will be gone once I… once I…

I want to give this living part of me another chance. I hope one day there will come a time when i no longer have to cry myself to sleep, desperately hoping for the next day to be a better one… better than all the days before it.

I kept telling myself for years that im not depressed.. that depression is for those who are literally the living dead. I cant diagnose myself. I dont want to diagnose myself.

I dont want to end this on my on. Hell no. Im more rational than that. But if it was my way, I would say yes i want to rest soon. 

But not on my terms. Never.



“First Love” Reupload? Or not to reupload?

Anyonghaseyo chingus! This is me thedramaqueen. You may not have noticed but ranted out my frustrations to Photobucket and subtly Asianfanfics as well. I had issues on how to upload and maintain the visibility of my photos there for a long time. Yes I haven’t been very active lately and no it’s not mostly because I was lazy. It’s because I was pissed by the fact that photobucket chooses to no longer share the photos that I uploaded there to other websites for free. Damn I’m pissed again. Why did they do that?? My story is now emptied with the photos I worked hard for years ago. I edited, uploaded, copied and pasted lots of it already just to be unavailable indefinitely unless you pay. Photobucket is a scum site for me now and if AFF will not help me (but letting us upload photos directly from the site) then I’m aftaid I have to halt my activities there indefinitely as well.

I am almost done writing my story… almost. But they had to screw it up so my latest chapters will not be uploaded there unless everything is solved.

I hate you AFF. And fxck you Photobucket.

Pieces about my first love

He doesn’t love you.

Those are the words that I say to myself whenever I start to  assume things.

Whenever he’s with me, he would give me this impression that maybe it’s the other way around, that maybe… just maybe, he has feelings for me too.

Three years have passed since the day I fell for him. I could not even recall how it started. Right now I’m sure as hell three years were clearly not enough for me to forget him.

Some would say that I should have been brave enough to confess what I feel for him, but I was a coward like any other protagonist in an unrequited love story, I was too afraid to hear the truth directly from him.

I faced the reality on my own. I knew from the beginning there would never be an us. To have him fall for me was next to impossible.

Did I fall too easily? Maybe…

Did I expect him to catch me? Yes.

The painful truth about unrequited love is that you fall alone, you love alone, and still in the end, you get hurt alone.

While growing up I have always been an introverted emotional kid. I’ve always kept the emotional part of my life in the pages of my journal and chose a happy fascade for everyone to see. I used to own a journal seven years ago that was filled with my whirlwind themed love story with my first love. I emphasized on the word my because from the beginning to end I never made a huge impact in his life, in contrary to mine. He was once the center of my universe (immature teenager’s perspective), while I was just a character in the sideline in his. By the way, the journal I mentioned has now turned to ashes, because I desperately wanted to forget all the immaturity and the unnecessary kilig one person can make you feel in such a young age.

Now I’m way way way past that stage of heartaches and tears. I’ve moved on as the years passed, and I’m proud to myself because I didn’t need any replacement or another guy to help me get over him. 

I’m not ashamed in the fact that he was my first love, even if others tell me that he was never worth it or he wasn’t handsome enough. You can never please everybody lol plus I was the one who fell for him so…

Even up to now he’s clueless to what I felt for him before. It’s better this way, because there’s lesser explainations and complications. I got hurt, but I think it’ll hurt more if he knew, because I was a hundred percent sure he will never reciprocate.

I wrote the passage above four years ago, because four years ago I still haven’t moved on. I wasn’t hurting, but the pain was still there, just well hidden. Right now there’s nothing but memoriea to remind me that I once loved that dumb guy.

If you want to know his name, let’s just call him Alex. 

DAY6: Fourth Comeback of the Year


These boys keep coming back, and I ain’t complaining. They’re on a roll again for the fourth time this year with tracks ‘I’m Serious‘ and ‘Say Wow

I loved the MV so much. They looked like they had so much fun which is feels kinda ironic to the title. Plus most of their title tracks before this one were sad ones so I’m not used to seeing them sing a song about falling in love (while all of them looked cheerful). Through this MV, we saw a new side of DAY6, the one that’s already ovet the heartbreaks and stuff. I’m still waiting for the continuation of the ‘Congratulations’ story line. No worries though, they still have tons of comebacks to insert it in. God I love this year.

I just finished watching their live performance in Music Core, and oh boy, our poor Wonpil. I hope his back did not ache after that performance. At least YoungK was there to give him courage by laughing. I feel both happy and sad (the performance was still perfect at least).

I was about to go to you but I didn’t
I was about to hug you but I didn’t
At this rate, the night’s gonna be over

It’s obvious that the theme of this comeback is falling in love. I think I need to get used to these. It’s nice to see them happy in their MVs once in a while. Until next time DAY6!

PS: I forgot to update this entry instead I saved is as a draft. Crazy.

An Amateur writer’s thoughts


If you haven’t noticed the ASIANFANFICS word just above my webpage yet, then I would like to share to you all that I write stories based on my favorite OTPs. I consider ‘First Love‘ as my first work even though I already finished making a one-shot (though it’s not entirely a one chapter) based on the tragic ending of one of my favorite sageuk kdramas up to now, ‘Empress Ki’. First Love’ is my first work because it’s the first one that I’ve spent time working hard coming up on an original story line, researching about something as the background of the plot and spent a huge time writing and rewriting one chapter at a time.

I started writing this two years ago, back when I was still a college student who delayed my graduation by another year. I had so much time that I watched so many dramas in a span of two months. Also, ever since I was a high school student I have wanted to pursue my ambition in writing stories even though I wasn’t confident enough to write one. After watching ‘Pinocchio’ and after falling in love with the chemistry of Lee Jongsuk and Park Shinhye,  it sparked another idea inside my brain. I quickly came up with a theme and a little summary of my fanfic and then I spent my little free time writing a chapter. As the story progressed I got more confused on how I should write the climax that I have imagined inside my head, and right now my dilemma is that how can I convey to the readers (who I call my chingus) the ending that I decided on.

I admit I don’t want to finalize the finale chapter yet. There has been so many delays that happened these past two years, a lot of negligence, and a lot of mistakes. I want this to end so that my chingus will no suffer any longer and so that I can finally close the story book I created. I am satisfied with the ending that I chose and I hope the readers will too.

I’m still a rookie when it comes to writing fanfics and I can’t wait to share to the people my next project which will be released this year. I hope I won’t be too lazy by then. As of ‘First Love’, I’m positive sure that I will finish it before the first half of this year ends.

Chingus. If you read this then I would like to say sorry, again. I’ve been too lazy and non-committing lately that I couldn’t finish everything for you. When I say soon, I know you think that I don’t mean it (I’m such a bad person), but I promise you that everything will be over before the first half of the year ends. You have stuck with me for so long, maybe because you love my story so much and you’re already used to waiting that’s why you don’t mind anymore. I will finish this soon, so I hope that before then, you won’t forget the love story of Lee Suho and Seo Jaehee.