Nothing can hurt you as much as your family does. They are the very core of your existence, so what happens if you see it shattering in your very eyes? You see yourself trying to pick up every pieces that fell only to get hurt while doing so. And it will continue to hurt as pieces fall, every single time. It won’t stop breaking. It never will. Mine doesn’t.
I try to look happy. I try to make everyone around me think that I’m happy. But right now, I hide myself from people that know me. It’s because I’m tired. I’m tired of everything. I want it all to stop. It’s been hurting me for years. And every year that pass, the hurting never stops. It grows. It grows so big that you cant hide it already. It hurts so much that you can no longer ignore the pain. You try to think that yes this will pass. You just got to keep growing, but it does not. As you grow, the pain grows. You think you can forget about it or get over it but you cant. It doesnt disappear. You just hid it in the deepest part of your heart, trying to move on while in fact you just helped it grow silently. You keep on picking the pieces that became trash.. on and on and in the end, you only got a bigger pile of trash.
I dont need help. I dont need consolation. I need to rest. I’m tired. So tired. So tired of the thing called existing. The struggles that go with it, I’m tired of it all. For so many years, I’ve spreaded nothing but happiness, trying to hide everything with a smile. As the smile grew wide, the pain behind it deepens. In the end, it’s all my fault. It’s my fault for trying to exist. It’s my fault for trying to brave, when in fact, I am not. I was never fit for the survivor category.
I apologize for causing problems. I apologize for trying to pacify on everything. I thought being in the middle ground felt safer, it turns out that’s the role that will hurt most. You don’t take sides, in return, you hurt yourself by not taking sides.
I love my family. I love my friends. I dont want them to leave. I dont want them to disappear. It is i that wants to leave. It is i that wants to disappear. All this pain will be gone once I… once I…
I want to give this living part of me another chance. I hope one day there will come a time when i no longer have to cry myself to sleep, desperately hoping for the next day to be a better one… better than all the days before it.
I kept telling myself for years that im not depressed.. that depression is for those who are literally the living dead. I cant diagnose myself. I dont want to diagnose myself.
I dont want to end this on my on. Hell no. Im more rational than that. But if it was my way, I would say yes i want to rest soon.
But not on my terms. Never.