Nothing can hurt you as much as your family does. They are the very core of your existence, so what happens if you see it shattering in your very eyes? You see yourself trying to pick up every pieces that fell only to get hurt while doing so. And it will continue to hurt as pieces fall, every single time. It won’t stop breaking. It never will. Mine doesn’t.

I try to look happy. I try to make everyone around me think that I’m happy. But right now, I hide myself from people that know me. It’s because I’m tired. I’m tired of everything. I want it all to stop. It’s been hurting me for years. And every year that pass, the hurting never stops. It grows. It grows so big that you cant hide it already. It hurts so much that you can no longer ignore the pain. You try to think that yes this will pass. You just got to keep growing, but it does not. As you grow, the pain grows. You think you can forget about it or get over it but you cant. It doesnt disappear. You just hid it in the deepest part of your heart, trying to move on while in fact you just helped it grow silently. You keep on picking the pieces that became trash.. on and on and in the end, you only got a bigger pile of trash.

I dont need help. I dont need consolation. I need to rest. I’m tired. So tired. So tired of the thing called existing. The struggles that go with it, I’m tired of it all. For so many years, I’ve spreaded nothing but happiness, trying to hide everything with a smile. As the smile grew wide, the pain behind it deepens. In the end, it’s all my fault. It’s my fault for trying to exist. It’s my fault for trying to brave, when in fact, I am not. I was never fit for the survivor category. 

I apologize for causing problems. I apologize for trying to pacify on everything. I thought being in the middle ground felt safer, it turns out that’s the role that will hurt most. You don’t take sides, in return, you hurt yourself by not taking sides.

I love my family. I love my friends. I dont want them to leave. I dont want them to disappear. It is i that wants to leave. It is i that wants to disappear. All this pain will be gone once I… once I…

I want to give this living part of me another chance. I hope one day there will come a time when i no longer have to cry myself to sleep, desperately hoping for the next day to be a better one… better than all the days before it.

I kept telling myself for years that im not depressed.. that depression is for those who are literally the living dead. I cant diagnose myself. I dont want to diagnose myself.

I dont want to end this on my on. Hell no. Im more rational than that. But if it was my way, I would say yes i want to rest soon. 

But not on my terms. Never.



I’m back! Sort of. lol

Hello wp.

I’ve been dormant for the past few? months. It’s because I’ve been busy rewriting my life, scratching a few pages back and made new ones. I’m done feeling useless, or at least I think I am.

I’ll try to be more updated from now on.


“First Love” Reupload? Or not to reupload?

Anyonghaseyo chingus! This is me thedramaqueen. You may not have noticed but ranted out my frustrations to Photobucket and subtly Asianfanfics as well. I had issues on how to upload and maintain the visibility of my photos there for a long time. Yes I haven’t been very active lately and no it’s not mostly because I was lazy. It’s because I was pissed by the fact that photobucket chooses to no longer share the photos that I uploaded there to other websites for free. Damn I’m pissed again. Why did they do that?? My story is now emptied with the photos I worked hard for years ago. I edited, uploaded, copied and pasted lots of it already just to be unavailable indefinitely unless you pay. Photobucket is a scum site for me now and if AFF will not help me (but letting us upload photos directly from the site) then I’m aftaid I have to halt my activities there indefinitely as well.

I am almost done writing my story… almost. But they had to screw it up so my latest chapters will not be uploaded there unless everything is solved.

I hate you AFF. And fxck you Photobucket.

Pieces about my first love

He doesn’t love you.

Those are the words that I say to myself whenever I start to  assume things.

Whenever he’s with me, he would give me this impression that maybe it’s the other way around, that maybe… just maybe, he has feelings for me too.

Three years have passed since the day I fell for him. I could not even recall how it started. Right now I’m sure as hell three years were clearly not enough for me to forget him.

Some would say that I should have been brave enough to confess what I feel for him, but I was a coward like any other protagonist in an unrequited love story, I was too afraid to hear the truth directly from him.

I faced the reality on my own. I knew from the beginning there would never be an us. To have him fall for me was next to impossible.

Did I fall too easily? Maybe…

Did I expect him to catch me? Yes.

The painful truth about unrequited love is that you fall alone, you love alone, and still in the end, you get hurt alone.

While growing up I have always been an introverted emotional kid. I’ve always kept the emotional part of my life in the pages of my journal and chose a happy fascade for everyone to see. I used to own a journal seven years ago that was filled with my whirlwind themed love story with my first love. I emphasized on the word my because from the beginning to end I never made a huge impact in his life, in contrary to mine. He was once the center of my universe (immature teenager’s perspective), while I was just a character in the sideline in his. By the way, the journal I mentioned has now turned to ashes, because I desperately wanted to forget all the immaturity and the unnecessary kilig one person can make you feel in such a young age.

Now I’m way way way past that stage of heartaches and tears. I’ve moved on as the years passed, and I’m proud to myself because I didn’t need any replacement or another guy to help me get over him. 

I’m not ashamed in the fact that he was my first love, even if others tell me that he was never worth it or he wasn’t handsome enough. You can never please everybody lol plus I was the one who fell for him so…

Even up to now he’s clueless to what I felt for him before. It’s better this way, because there’s lesser explainations and complications. I got hurt, but I think it’ll hurt more if he knew, because I was a hundred percent sure he will never reciprocate.

I wrote the passage above four years ago, because four years ago I still haven’t moved on. I wasn’t hurting, but the pain was still there, just well hidden. Right now there’s nothing but memoriea to remind me that I once loved that dumb guy.

If you want to know his name, let’s just call him Alex. 

Welcoming myself to WordPress


Hello WP! This is thekdramaqueen. I’m not really good at writing long essays about things, in fact, this is just the voice inside my head dictating the words that I am typing right now. I’m kinda new to this blog site so I’m still not sure how to operate or even customize my blog 😅.

I wonder why I wanted to have a blog in the first place… I’ve always envied those people who get to share their thoughts in the internet because in some ways, they can be open. Which is why I  prefer to be known as just thekdramaqueen and not use or share my real identity here.

I’m out of words… for now. This is just my first post right? Heol… I feel pressured already.